Poor New Dark Lady! The place hasn’t even opened its doors yet and already it’s suffering from an infestation… of the Fat Scott kind! We heard this crazy story from a reliable source that Mr. Birchall, having been employed by our two favorite Dark Lady owners to complete necessary electrical work in the building, has fallen on some hard times and taken up residence INSIDE!

So you’re outside Alleycat and you kinda see something moving through that frosted Dark Lady glass, then you think you feel eyes moving all over your body, Clarise? Well you probably do!

Seriously though, let’s look to Buck and Rande’s good nature and hope to Litter that this isn’t true.

But if it is, you’re gonna need more than RAID to get rid of that pest, honey! (the jokes about this one are just endless)

Let’s be serious people, as we’ve all learned over the last couple years, pretty much anyone can do porn! This creates the distinction between real porn stars, and what we can safely and simply refer to as porn “people”. You know, the real-life everyday people of porn!

CLICK HERE to watch another one of our locals get tag-teamed by old people — there’s even a quick cameo by this year’s RI Pride parade! Hey, you could be in porn too!

Viva la porn people!

Left: A Michael Jackson/Gollum of Lord of the Rings Trilogy photoshopped hybrid
Right: Union’s bartender, Jay (Monday thru Wednesday)

Whoa! This is NOT ok! Good thing it’s dark in there!

Our messing around with our categories has finally led to the creation of sub-categories!

Exciting? Fuck no!

Useful? Well, you decide.

You know, our mid-week is usually pretty boring until inevitably, some messy situation comes back to cause a commotion. Messy situation of the week this week is something you may already know a lot about. And why, you ask? Because this person has been involved in so much shit around the city that we feel it necessary to start putting this puzzle together, and so far the picture taking shape ain’t pretty.

We’re talking specifically about Nick Merollo. Now we’ve always liked Nick, but there’s just too much crazy here to ignore. Let’s forget (for the time being) about that nasty incident at State, followed by trips to the hospital, charges filed and eventually a criminal trial that didn’t end too hot for Nick.

Then, Nick picks up a job from Mark down at GLO, and gets fired from Gallery by the crypt-keeper for it. However, after a few weeks at GLO, Mark was forced to fire Nick as well for getting into a drunken fight involving his boyfriend, while he was working, while the bar was trying to close, which entangled GLO’s entire staff (basically everyone who was in the bar at the time), culminating in the only fight we’ve ever seen that involves everyone in the bar. Bitch just can’t catch a break!

Then, because he lost the criminal trial, Nick and his lawyer decide to sue the defendants in his criminal trial, probably to cover his hospital bills (which the court already ruled were his fault, but we’re not opening that can of worms). Now the procedure for carrying out a successful lawsuit (if you didn’t already know) goes as follows: File a lawsuit, the court notifies the defendants, they answer back what amounts to “guilty or innocent” (usually “innocent”, which leads to the hearing in front of a judge), the judge hears the case and makes a ruling. Simple, right? So the defendants in Nick’s lawsuit answer back, and in addition choose to counter-sue (you see that shit on Judge Judy like, constantly, in fact, this case should totally go to Judge Judy!). The trouble is, Nick and his lawyer did not provide a response to the counter-suit, which is going to create problems. Now we all know that the court system is a little fucky, and to get anything done properly you have to be on your shit and jump through the right hoops, and not trip up and forget (we assume) to answer to the counter-suit. And while all of this lawsuit shit is swirling around, definitely do not (repeat: DO NOT!) get pulled over and hauled off by the state police for DUI and possession (for the second time), as has happened with Nick earlier this month. This is not a good look!

And it’s definitely not a good look for his pending lawsuit. Now we will say, we never thought of Nick as being a mess, but all of this has taken place in the last six months — and we’re starting to think of him as our own local Lindsay Lohan!

In fact, in honor of all of this, we’re adding a new category which has been needed for quite a while now, “Bartenders Gone Bad”, as a sub-category of our much-used “Bars Gone Bad” category.

You know, we hate (and yet, love) to say this, but the bullshit in Providence just never ends. In fact, during the summer time it seems to just heat up and curdle once the college kids head home, leaving a condensed version of the community to drink and stew together. Not always a bad thing, although it can kill block parties and charity events.

Anyhow, after a rather interesting Trannymania last Wednesday night at the Dark Lady, we headed back to GLO for one last drink and to catch a ride home with one of our DJs, Tommy Stylez. Meanwhile back in the Dark Lady parking lot, Ms Sarah Beyers and girlfriend were walking out of the bar after one of the most successful Trannymania‘s ever (likely due to the absence of one Suzie Parks). Also in the parking lot, having walked from Mirabar were another group of gays (whom also are known to us) on their way home. After what some call a “misunderstanding” and others say was basically the guys yelling that Sarah was hot and that her girlfriend was not, a fist fight broke out between both parties in the boys’ car! Be forewarned, gays, Ms Beyers is a bad bitch!

So in effort to get away, the boys take off in the car which had accidentally snagged Sarah’s jacket and hair, creating the possibility for an already dangerous situation to escalate. Luckily the jacket came loose, but the hair flew off!

Why it happens, we’ll never know, but here’s where we come into the picture.

While getting a ride home from our DJ (because we’re neighbors), we had to stop at his house quickly so that he could allow a friend of his to retrieve his car. The friend meets us just as we arrive, holding a bleach blond wig! (with dark roots) Obviously after such an incident, everyone in the car is excited and going on about getting into a fight with some tranny in the Dark Lady parking lot and how they stole her wig. Now at this point we had no idea what had just happened, but offered to take the wig and return it, because the likelihood of us being friends with its owner was high.

Not about to waste any time, and finding this all very funny already, we take the wig home, take a picture of it with our webcam (that we didn’t even know we had), and post the image on Facebook with the caption, “who’s WIG is this?!”. Within minutes, the stories came pouring out and we were able to make sure Sarah’s shit got returned!

Facebook, reuniting trannies and their hair.

So last weekend on Allens Ave, our beloved, sacred guilty pleasure, Balloons, was shut down. “No! Not Balloons!”, we cried. Temporarily shut down, of course, but the sleazy video booth flat screens and Silence’s bouncing sand-dollar nipples still remain completely inaccessible regardless as the city declares the place a “public safety risk” (which personally we think is rather an understatement). And what act could be so vile and heinous as to deprive us of one of Providence’s seediest night spots? Well, someone getting shot in the face, of course! Like, duh!

Yeah, apparently someone got shot in the face, died, and now Balloons is off the radar for a while. Honestly, how embarrassing! Like seriously, you died at Balloons?! Total. Life. Fail. Where will we go between downtown and Therapy now????

And to top it all off, our buddy Alex DiPrato got the honor of reporting on TV.

So this Saturday at the Dark Lady, you will have the opportunity to attend The Litter’s annual Christmas In July fundraiser. Now you may remember the feelings we took away from this party last year, and this year we have no choice but to expect more of the same. Don’t get us wrong, we are all for a mid-summer fundraiser to boost revenue for all parties during a time of year that notoriously lacks in cash flow, but Christmas In July AGAIN? The first time, sure. The second time? Sure, but weird. But we are now into at least the 5th or 6th of these abominations and it’s starting to give us the feeling we get when we drive past one of those houses that keeps their Christmas tree up all year long — it’s just plain Michael Jackson creepy (too soon?). We have a feeling that The Litter got this idea from the Home Shopping Network (which you’ll notice is currently in the middle of their own “Christmas In July” sale), and no doubt where she buys a lot of the costume jewelry she wears.

Plus, repeating it doesn’t strengthen a cherished tradition, it beats a dead Santa Claus horse, and the heavy red and green deco in the summer reminds us of a dark, dank, tacky lake house — like if we decided to hold a Christmas celebration in a moldy basement. Then there’s the drag costumes — because none of them have more than two or three bright red and green gowns, we now get to see the same ones in the summer and the winter, and nobody even looks good in those colors anyway! Seriously bitches, there’s really nothing at all attractive about this.

So what to do, you ask? Well, if they really can’t think too far away from the silly Christmas theme, how about New Years? White lights and champagne never go out of style, or maybe a Thanksgiving thing (which is probably a little more in line with the concept of charity anyway). Honestly, we don’t really care — just switch it up! It’s confusing the old people who have trouble enough remembering what year it is!

Left: Dark Lady’s Sam at their Friday night Pride block party
Right: Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

We love us some Sam, and we’ve been planning this post for MONTHS — finding a picture of this kid took forever! Thanks, Jack!

So, it’s our understanding that the 11th Annual Charlie McGraw Boat Cruise (which so far as we know has always taken place on a boat) is switching up the format this year and has plans to commence somewhere on land in view of the bay.

Why abandon the Bay Queen, you ask? Well it seems that after the 10th Annual Charlie McGraw Boat Cruise and the drama that ensues when you herd a boatload of fags onto an actual boat, the organizers of said boat cruise and their guests were asked not to return! And you just know all of those boat cruise companies all talk to each other, so it probably didn’t take long before ACOS & Co. realized that the entirety of the Narragansett Bay has had enough of their shit. And if somehow they do pull a boat out of their ass in the next six weeks, it’s not going to be anything glamorous — maybe they should just move this shit a little further out into SE Mass where they need the tourism revenue.

But wait, there’s more! When you attend the 1st Annual Charlie McGraw Land Cruise, you’ll be paying the exact same price as if you were at the 11th Annual Charlie McGraw Boat Cruise, you know, because the Bay Queen was just donated for the last ten years and had nothing to do with the ticket price.

All donations go to benefit AIDS Care Ocean State 4 eva!

UPDATE: Oops! As it turns out, The Bay Queen doesn’t care how ridiculous those boat cruises can get, and would most likely be hosting the 11th Annual Charlie McGraw boat cruise this year as well if the notorious vessel’s operating company was not now in receivership. Well that explains it!

Land hoe!