Okay, so remember yesterday when we said we had no use for the boat cruise? Well we take that one back! Correction; we have no use for most of the boat cruise.

And why? Well let’s first ask ourselves what happens when we take a decent cross-section of Providence nightlife, corner them in a confined space with no exit for a few hours, and add liquor. These bitches practically have no choice but to put on some crazy shit!

So let’s all transport ourselves (in our minds) to the boat cruise last night, a decent amount of time after leaving the dock in Warren, and certainly enough time to slam a few drinks and begin not to care or think about what you’re doing — you’re in the middle of the bay, who cares what you do, right? This was the mind-frame of one Matt Adams, Energy owner Tommy Menna’s trouble-muse and traveling butt-boy who, after some deliberation among friends, decides how much of a spectacle it would be to shampoo Kitty Litter’s wig with his drink. Do underage drinking laws not apply in the bay? Well either way, that’s what he did, and was quickly left with the result anyone could have predicted — cats just don’t fucking like getting wet! Now picture getting a drunk cat wet, and you’re getting a better idea of what happened to send this story right off the rails — so after a little “what the fuck?” argument, Kitty makes the decision to smack Matt in the mouth a couple times to express her displeasure. Now Tommy needed that mouth in good condition for later, so in a move meant to protect his interests, Tommy swoops in with a blow to Kitty’s head, of sufficient force as to send Kitty’s now soaked wig flying across the room! This is where we offer a night’s bar tab to whoever sends us the best picture of this all taking place.

Now let’s return to reality here on land — these bitches are all still crazy! Since when is it appropriate for everyone in this community (fundraising drag queens and boy-toting club owners alike) to run around smacking each other in the face? Now we get a little pushy at times in public, but a spectacle of this magnitude, visibility and total inappropriateness, we haven’t seen for quite a while. This also isn’t the first time Tommy has gotten physical over some issue surrounding Matt — remember this? Matt of course just deserves a spanking for acting badly, but after all that the other two have managed to accomplish in this community and in Providence, neither of them could manage to control themselves? Maybe Kitty should take some of that benefit money and take a fucking kickboxing class or something!

So stepping back a little further, Kitty will obviously be having none of this (aside from her throwing the first punch, she’s essentially the victim here), this will obviously create just another rift in a community that still can’t come together properly — and at an event designed specifically to do the opposite. Charlie McGraw must be so proud.

Nice going, bitches!

So were you there? Got anything to add to this fuckery? And we weren’t kidding about the best picture, because know Jack won’t be posting any of it on his site!

Work it, bitch!

Well that was fun!

It looks like you bitches voted just about right, although we think that Gia beating everyone’s ass is a little suspicious, and Jenna St. James’s 11% to be just criminal, Haley Star’s 7% and everyone else is probably just about on point! Speaking of Jenna, did anyone else catch her Hot Body Contest last night at Dark Lady? Well after getting harassed unduly by drunken lesbians at Alleycat, we found the weekly contest down the street to be total weirdsville… and kind of a turn-on! (for once). They were hot and they were showing it, which just goes to show that good competition brings out the penis best in all of us — the final two even resolved in a voluntary forfeit of $100, which we’ll never understand. There was also a contestant who insisted to Jenna St. James on being called simply, “freak”, which we loved. Wouldn’t it be great if the drag queens did that? Like, chose a new name for just one night? You’d be out on the street and Sean Powell would walk up to you in drag and you’d say, “look, it’s the tranny from Stargate– I mean, hey Chante!” and she’d hush you and put her finger to your lips and whisper, “tonight I am Mystique…”. What a fucking world, you know?

Anyway, since the last poll was so much fun, we have a feeling the claws will really come out when you vote for your favorite tranny! Now just so everyone knows, drag queens and trannies are inherently different in several respects. But first and foremost, trannies are not men in womens’ clothes, they’ve all got some sort of life-plan worked out that results in them being physically transformed into a woman over time, and to varying degrees. That being said, most of them enjoy the benefits of some kind of hormone treatment to slender out, gain some curves and lose some hair — it also makes them total psycho bitches, which of course is what attracts us to them in the first place! The more you know, right?!

So vote! (we think we missed some, so a write-in is enabled for this poll)

So as you all are probably aware (or not…), on Saturday night Therapy hosts none other than one Jonathan Peters, international DJ superstar and Therapy veteran many times over. This translates into a simply packed and out-of-control after-hours party at the crack-house chic monster-venue. In other words, we’re in!

Now there’s no question that Jonathan Peters has enjoyed a legendary DJ/remixing/producing career, and that Saturday night’s set is certain not to disappoint — but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a bone to pick! (naturally) We care to explain:

It all started three years ago at Winter Music Conference in March of 2006 down in Miami (naturally). We flew down with such notables as Mirabar DJs Kenny and Richard Michael, and hung out with our dance music darlings Lauren Hildebrandt and Ohsha Kai — to say we just had a good time would be a serious understatement. So one afternoon (right before an impromptu margarita beach party), we’re all sitting at The Palace at 12th & Ocean drinking with our roommate at the time, let’s call him “Barbara”. Now Barbara was unattached at the time and began chatting up an ordinary looking (but very charming) 20-something named Paolo. Paolo helped us carry our margarita pitchers out to the beach and fit in well with our strangely assembled group (including a lesbian Delta flight crew from Austin). Through casual conversation, Paolo revealed that he just happened to be Jonathan Peters’ roommate in New York, and had flown down with him for WMC. Regardless, the Goose had Barbara feeling loose, so he and Paolo soon requested (and got) some alone time back at our hotel on Collins Ave. while we attended another afternoon hotel pool party. Cute story, right?

Well after Paolo wrecked Barbara in our hotel room at the Dorset (sheet stains and all…), the rest of us returned to get ready for the night — that’s when Barbara noticed her wallet was missing! Nobody suspected Paolo at the time, he’d been so nice — plus we’d been ALL over town that day (we’d even left our camera at the Best Western on Collins that same evening), so B could very well have lost her wallet in the sand somewhere. So, after turning the entire hotel room upside down (literally), a frustrated Barb called to cancel her credit cards and whatnot — only to find that there had been already been some charges made to one of his cards! Where, you ask? Sunglass Hut, Source Paris and French Connection… someone went on a $600 shopping spree up and down Lincoln Road Mall!

Calls to Paolo go unreturned for the rest of the weekend… shady but by no means a sign of guilt. By all accounts, the story should have ended here, shrouded in mystery — but in some sick twist of fate, Jonathan Peters and Paolo had booked their flight back to New York City on the same day, at the same time, from the same airport, and on the same airline as us for our flight back to Providence!

So we’re there in the Southwest terminal in Fort Lauderdale on Monday morning, and Barbara sees out of the corner of his eye, JP and Paolo chowing Pizza Hut Express at a bistro table in the middle of the food court. And at their feet? Shopping bags from Sunglass Hut, Source Paris and fucking French Connection! Oh hell no! So what do you do when you’re able to confront your own identity thief in open public, and it just happens to be Jonathan Peters and his roommate? Well we didn’t ignore the opportunity, put it that way — although we didn’t want to get kicked off our flight for brawling in the terminal either, so we just initiated a seriously bitchy conversation — resulting in a full confession (and some crying…) later that evening once they were back in New York and us in Providence. Bitch!

Will we consider a DJ booth confrontation tomorrow night at Therapy? Umm, no. JP likely as no memory of the incident — but this is probably going to be the last time that story has any relevance, so enjoy it! Party starts at 12am tomorrow night and goes until 8am, see you there!

What a weekend so far! We found out this weekend that our dear friend Ty will be leaving us soon to move back to Ohio (which sounds just terrible). We’ll even be putting together a humorous going-away party for him next Sunday at State! But in the meantime, Ty is getting in as much Providence craziness as possible to ensure that he won’t come running back immediately. And you know what? He’s not a positive public figure bound to rules of decency and good moral character (like some people we know), so bitch can do what she pleases! (and we love her for it).

This involves biting people (hard) on their bare ass Friday night at Mirabar, prompting Mirabar manager Paul Murphy to slip Ty this note — signed and everything! We snapped a picture of the note with our camera phone so we could share it with you since the way this note is worded (in addition to it’s context) is just priceless. And so typical of the unique brand of Ty-crazy that we will miss so dearly.

Wonderful!

Anyway, come down to State tonight with your friends to Go Bang! Our appropriately themed, suggestively named 4th of July party! And in celebration of that, State is serving up $4 sangrias — an amazing deal considering there’s no cover charge. Do it!

So last Saturday night at Dark Lady was actually totally busy — it was the beginning of Ada’s birthday celebration, after all. Dark Lady staff had even whipped up a cake from Stop n’ Shop to present to her at some point during the evening — fun right? Well one thing leads to another and we’re all at Mirabar. Then Union. Then back to Dark Lady again. Then Ada and Elle escorted us over to an afterhours party — coincidentally, the very same party that a certain someone had been asked to leave six hours prior.

Running out of time in the night around 4am, but still kind of drunk (and being in the general area), we decided with Ada and Elle to check out DJ Boris over at Therapy. Door cover for the night was $40, which we weren’t sure we were going to have to pay or not, but (and this is a life lesson here) with crazy trannies flanking you, there aren’t too many checkpoints you can’t breeze past for free. So next time you feel like waltzing into the White House without breaking a stride, make sure you have a hot tranny on either arm and you’re golden.

Not to say that our effortless penetration into Therapy wasn’t without a little scuffling. Before we were allowed to pass, weasely Therapy promoter Brian Gaudagnocaught us at the door and ordered us to pay up… A little background before we go any further — Brian promoted parties at Therapy months ago back before it really took off under Jeff LeClair, and completely embodies the old-style douchbag mentality of unapologetic exclusivity — to the point of killing business.

Last March, Brian promoted a party at Therapy featuring Richie Santana and Peter Bailey, appropriately advertising a $40 cover. Well nobody knew it at the time, but the two DJ’s were unable to attend the night and Gaudagno (who was handling the DJ booking to begin with) chose to charge everyone for the advertised night anyway — even though it was likely one of the resident DJ’s up there spinning all night. It’s not like you can recognize anyone way up in that DJ booth, so who’d know anyway? Not hot!

Anyway, Saturday night Gaudagno “rented” out Therapy for the night, paying a certain amount for the right to collect a certain percentage at the end of the night — not really unusual. Now we all know that every night, there are many different lists for many different promoters with many people on each of them — a practice that encourages attendance and leads to the legendary Saturday’s we’ve been enjoying all spring. Well Saturday night, Brian chooses to void all lists at 3am (except his own, of course) without telling anyone and proceeds to charge everyone and their mothers with an urgent look on his face — presumably he felt he wasn’t making enough cash at the door. Or maybe he was trying to make up for a sticky-fingered staff since he flat-out accused our State darling, DJ Marcus Christian, of stealing out of the register! What douchery!

Anyway, so we bust into Therapy, trannies in tow and this guy jumps in front of us with his clipboard and mutters something inaudible, to which we all replied (all trashed) “oh hell no!, who are you?” That’s when Therapy door-angel, Brandy (also Marcus’s girlfriend, who by this time in the night had also had enough) swoops in and blasts poor Brian Gaudagno for stopping us in our tracks! Then shoo’s us past the register and into the club. Legendary! The night just heated up from there though — between photoshoots with Ada in the bathroom she sat on the toilet (no, you may not see the pics) and Elle seducing straight men on the couches — plus Boris was absolute fire! And did we mention the place was still slammed at 6am?

Well that’s around the time someone pulled the fire alarm and the scene erupted into the muddy overcast dawn with firetrucks and shit everywhere.

What a weird fucking weekend. Funny and weird. Stranger than Providence Pride weekend, even.

And why? Just some really fabulous stories, of course! Saturday night, a friend invited us to his neighbor’s place for an evening gathering, leading up to our typical night out. As is our way, we took too long to get ready and was unable to attend, later leaving us full of regret over what we missed. One of the party-goers, let’s call him “Mr. Gay RI 2004″, was in attendance and by 8pm was completely inebriated — referring loudly to each woman at the party as “cunts” (we of course women just love). Not a total shocker, we can believe all of that. But then someone shows up with their sick, old dog that was apparently on its last legs and swimming with disease — and “Mr. Gay RI” remarks,

“What the fuck is wrong with that dog? That thing is malnourished and needs to be taken away from it’s owner, that guy doesn’t feed that fucking dog!”

Hysterical! And as if that wasn’t enough, a heavy-set woman in attendance was caught by “Mr. Gay RI” spending a little too much time at the buffet table and shouts, “Put down those fucking ribs, you fat bitch, you do not need to be going back for seconds!” (that one’s eligible for Quote of the Week)

Unbelievable! And totally priceless… and then he was asked to leave. Despite the ridiculous nature of this story, we actually like him more because of it! What showmanship! Anyway, it would be unfair to say that this guy is a flat-out booze bag — he’s also done tireless and commendable work in the community which should not go unrecognized.

And it hasn’t!

Our “Mr. Gay RI 2004″ was presented recently with a citation from the city (not a police citation) for his work in the community, call it more of a “key to the city” kind of thing, and kind of a big deal! Well this “citation” comes in the form of a physical plaque to be displayed in his home or stored safely somewhere. By the way, we’ll never be receiving one of these. Now the details are a little fuzzy on just how it happened, but he lost the damn thing! What the fuck!

Now this is where the Unsubstantiated Rumors part comes it, as it is also the ending/kicker to this story. This plaque is said to be stored currently (and unbeknownst to it’s rightful owner) by the leader of a successful local gay pride organization. What, like hostage style? How strange!

We love you, Providence, and your crazy citizens!

We thought we were so over the Ryan Haxton thing — it had become absolutely boring… Until we saw this!

Frat Piss!

Can you believe this??? It’s just so off the crazy-scale, we can’t take it. Note the piss drops in the background, someone thought of that!!?!

“10 guys on 1, gallons of piss!” GALLONS!

Happy Pride, bitches!

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Okay, disregarding all of the things obviously wrong with this photo, let’s just call attention to this also being a fundraiser for RI Pride.

This is what constitutes gay pride in Providence? And worse, funds it???

It’s like Caligula fundraising for the Save The Children foundation!

We promised you video, and we’ll be damned if we don’t show it to you.

The trouble is, when we got the footage home, there was no audio! This was a huge problem until we decided to make our film footage of our liquor taste-test at Lupo’s into a silent film which we’ve titled appropriately, Washington St. Booze.

Be sure to catch Chris Harris walking past in the background at one point, and don’t you just LOVE it when Vienna downs the nip of Tanqueray?!

Enjoy!

UPDATE: YouTube was not pleased that we used copyrighted audio in our silent film, so for the full experience, click here!