So first thing last Friday night, we stop at Energy. Now Fridays at Energy is that lesbian night with DJ Red that used to do rather well, and has now just fallen into obscurity thanks to a series of incompetencies and an overpriced cover charge. But that didn’t stop us — we got there and immediately gave our business to two of those cigarette girls that roam around asking for ID’s, presumably for the purpose of gathering consumer info. We don’t smoke, so gave the two packs of Camels we got to friends — we’re humanitarians after all.

Anyway, the night having fallen into obscurity like we said, we decided to abscond with Energy owner, Tommy, and a couple others to Union/Eagle to see Jackie Collins take the stage. Girlfriend had spend Friday evening rushing around so didn’t even get on the stage until 12:30a (then had to deal with mic issues that half deafened the whole bar), once Elle and Ada showed up, it was time to terrorize Dark Lady for a while.

Now we don’t always take that downtown route through the alleys between Eagle and Dark Lady, so we weren’t aware that there are locked fences in random places and that you can get caught in parking areas. forcing you to have to backtrack — we just had assumed that Elle and Ada knew Providence’s back-alley topography better than anyone and wouldn’t lead us astray.

Not to be kept from our drinks at Dark Lady for one unnecessary second, we quickly scaled the fence in our Pumas — only to turn around and see Elle and Ada looking at us cock-eyed with hands on hips still on the other side of the fence. With a little coaxing though, we managed to almost surgically negotiate their pumps and miniskirts over the spike-topped gate in a series of movements that could have put someone’s eye or fake vagina out.

Moving on, Dark Lady and Mirabar did their thing — the two weekend Mirabar DJ’s having switched nights for the weekend, and the rest is history.

Cut to afterhours with Bomb Dome, who stole a Super-Soaker (classy lady) from a neighbor’s lawn and allowed us to shoot it from a friend’s car repeatedly as we drove down Atwells. Well what did you expect was going to happen on a Friday?

Okay bitches, we all know that gays can be catty towards each other and call each other “bitches” and “cum dumpsters” and whatnot — and entire generations of gays have had to overcome levels of adversity from Hitler to the new Miss California, so apparently sometimes even straight people aren’t too thrilled with our slutty parades…. but did you know that the new agent of anti-flame is otherworldly?

No, not aliens (that’s just stupid), we’re talking about God!

Oh hell yes! Since we’re all for some ruffled feathers for the sake of extra attention, why not revel in ruffling the ultimate, divine feather? And who better to tell us about it than the Westboro Baptist Church!

Wait, who? Oh yeah, the “God Hates Fags” people. After a closer look, the main gist here is that these people hate America for not hating gays so much that they’re going to hate on dead troops and their families at the troops funerals. Can you imagine anything that combines several levels of hating on people so creatively? Plus it’s offensive — to gays, troops, gay troops… oh, and America too. We’d see them on TV sometimes picketing about something, but never totally got it and wrote them off as religious fundamentalists who were pretty much confined to middle America — certainly nothing for us to worry about here in Rhode Island… until now!

For one day only (Friday, May 29th, schedule here), they’re bringing the crazy to Rhode Island and bringing it right! They’re going to visit Brown, the State House, and a ton of Jewish places including the Holocaust Museum — which oughta go over greeeaaat. Actually that’s the point — if all this goes over anything less than absolutely horribly or just not at all, we’ll be entirely disillusioned with Rhode Island and leave forever just like Chris Harris! You know????

In the past, the God Hates Fags people usually go after fallen soldiers’ families, you know, when they’re already upset and crying and shit — so who’s going to get all up in their faces then? Nobody wants to fuck up their kid’s funeral any further, right? So when these people get on the Nightly News for being ridiculous, nobody gets filmed reacting to their bullshit. But nobody’s going to be crying at the State House! (Commencement at Brown is the 24th, so nobody’s going to be there on the 29th)

No, there will be no crying — but maybe some dancing?????

Oh can we please! Let’s call it a “Pride Warm-Up Pre-Show”! We can get a DJ and some male strippers, and since it’s Friday we can all take off work and have a dance party at the State House! Nobody will even know those insane people are there! We think that as long as we’re dancing, it’s legally the same as picketing so nobody gets in trouble. Now we’re always up for a fun party thinly veiled as a meaningful charity cause, but this a dance party that can directly affect the opposition’s cause — it’s like Footloose, really. Maybe we can call it Fagloose.

Anyway, can you imagine how embarrassing it would be for Rhode Island’s gay community if this God Hates Fags thing goes as planned? You people will be dead to us, which will in turn make us dead inside, which sounds totally unpleasant. This just isn’t the type of crap that Rhode Island gays (or anyone else from RI) go for, so get the day off now!

The lord hath given Providence Ada, who shows the light to anyone who bitches about how expensive and time consuming dressing in drag can be. Ada can’t even change her mind, yet dresses herself for pennies a day; and teaches us that looking like a real lady is as easy as searching between your couch cushions for loose change.

Amen.

God bless the Bitch Button! How else would porn studios be able to contact us about the supposed “slander” of their employees?

Case in point; Ryan Haxton’s employer out in Arizona, Thexis, L.L.C., sent us the following email very patiently requesting that we stop talking about their employee lest they take legal action (believe us, we’re sick of this story and we’ve been trying to stop talking about him for months). Here it is in full:

To Whom it may concern,

As you know with any job you do you need to be protected. Porn is no exception. In order to protect Ryan Haxton I demand that you remove all his names, blogs and associations with Ryan Haxton and/or Porn names Jayden Taylor and Caden Boyd. We own all rights to these porn names. This site has slanderd Ryan Haxton and has caused him undue stress . We ask for all content to removed by Sunday April 19, 2009 from your site before we pursue this further in the court of law. You will be fully liable for any losses that our company suffers due to negative publicity of our porn employees.

Sincerley ,

Thexis, L.L.C.

Interesting, no? We think that it’s nice that Ryan’s company is willing to go to bat for him, it shows that it’s not all smoke and urine mirrors, and there’s still some heart in the porn industry. But do they have a leg to stand on here? Or can they really hang us out to dry without a pot to piss in?

Thexis can’t be all wrong here — it’s true that employees have rights that need to be protected… in the workplace. So shouldn’t Ryan have been wearing protective eyewear to prevent pink eye? Or maybe a protective mask to prevent second-hand smoke inhalation?

Now we agree that Haxton’s porn aliases are probably trademarked in some way, but his name is obviously his (unless he sold that too), and isn’t intellectual property. Besides, is Disney going to come down on us if we write a website claiming that Mickey Mouse sucks (or gets peed on, for that matter) — and where would Disney stand legally if those statements were actually true? Forgetting of course that Mickey is a cartoon…

Where does the line get drawn concerning internet censorship? You guys have proven to be a pretty legally savvy group — what do you think?

We wonder what the World Intellectual Property Organisation, or for that matter, the ACLU have to say about all this…