“He looks like Play-Doh!”

– Patrick Farron on Paul DelVecchio, Sunday night at State

“Why is my girlfriend so unhappy? Her dad died like a week ago, and I thought she would get over it by now, but she’s being a real emo about the whole thing. Last night, I told her to stop whining and move on with life. I mean, she’s 15 years old, she can handle herself, but she got really angry and I was forced to kick her out of the house because she wouldn’t stop whining about how I was being “insensitive”. How can I make her happy again? Because her whining is really getting in the way of my plans to introduce her to anal. Women can be so selfish.”

Well we’ve been a little absent the last couple of days — and why? There’s actually been a lot to do! It’s kept us far, far away from the computer and either in bed sleeping or out and about! Here’s a quick rundown:

Wednesday: Completely skipped Retro night at Mirabar to attend Madonna-themed Tranny-mania, which, exactly as we called it was a lot of pre-1990 Madonna and leggings with dresses over them. After that we had Elle drop us off at Blu (where we’d never been before) for our girl (Official Therapy Door Angel and Marcus Christian’s girlfriend) Brandy’s surprise birthday celebration on the upper-deck area. Surprise was priceless, but the Douche-O-Meter downstairs was reading off the charts — then mayor-banger Matt attached himself firmly to our hind quarters and the meter broke. Then a quick jaunt back to Dark Lady and Michael Slade yelling for us to get out of Alleycat at 1:10am.

Business as usual.

Thursday: Wasted time before getting out and about late and going down to 2xcess: Male Zone, to see our friendly and fabulous managers and DJs — poor Jay Jay (former Therapy manager) is wasting away down there, can we please find him another (in addition to 2xcess) place to DJ? He’s actually good! Then downtown for last call at Dark Lady with DJ AV8, The Davenport, Chris Harris and Bitchie D. Rest for the weekend.

Friday: Solo Burger Bar on the hill for dinner at like 11:30pm, almost didn’t get served on account of slow waitstaff (and it wasn’t even busy). Blue cheese burger was not stuffed with cheese, but the well vodka got us a little fucked to notice at the time. Dark Lady to see the typical abortion that is Friday nights pretty much everywhere in the city. Walk to Union with Elle, Ada, Vienna and friends to see Jackie Collins — who was already slipping into those booty shorts she wears. Ran into other mayor-banger, Anthony, who (after very truthfully acknowledging that we never knew him personally to begin with) became our new best friend and could not have gotten along better with — seriously! We are totally writing nice true things from now on. Rain delay, trannies immobilized and stranded at Union. After-hours with Bomb Dome and friends, side-trip to Balloons, trashed. Side-side trip to Sports Tap just in time for it to open at 6am, giant pitcher of rather good sangria, drunken pool table show for annoyed regulars, and total jukebox domination featuring Elvis songs. Business as usual.

Phew!

What’s up for tonight?

Crazy pre-block-party Woolly Fair (Ty Wooley Fair) in Eagle Square featuring Parrys and Sarah Beyers, animal shelter benefit at Mirabar (loving this new charity benefit theme, we love animals). Waterfire block party at State — we’ve never seen an outdoor State party before. Therapy with trannies.

“Do you dare?” (personal quote to Bomb Dome trying to get her to drink a glass of straight Bacardi with an orange popsicle in it)

What a weird fucking weekend. Funny and weird. Stranger than Providence Pride weekend, even.

And why? Just some really fabulous stories, of course! Saturday night, a friend invited us to his neighbor’s place for an evening gathering, leading up to our typical night out. As is our way, we took too long to get ready and was unable to attend, later leaving us full of regret over what we missed. One of the party-goers, let’s call him “Mr. Gay RI 2004″, was in attendance and by 8pm was completely inebriated — referring loudly to each woman at the party as “cunts” (we of course women just love). Not a total shocker, we can believe all of that. But then someone shows up with their sick, old dog that was apparently on its last legs and swimming with disease — and “Mr. Gay RI” remarks,

“What the fuck is wrong with that dog? That thing is malnourished and needs to be taken away from it’s owner, that guy doesn’t feed that fucking dog!”

Hysterical! And as if that wasn’t enough, a heavy-set woman in attendance was caught by “Mr. Gay RI” spending a little too much time at the buffet table and shouts, “Put down those fucking ribs, you fat bitch, you do not need to be going back for seconds!” (that one’s eligible for Quote of the Week)

Unbelievable! And totally priceless… and then he was asked to leave. Despite the ridiculous nature of this story, we actually like him more because of it! What showmanship! Anyway, it would be unfair to say that this guy is a flat-out booze bag — he’s also done tireless and commendable work in the community which should not go unrecognized.

And it hasn’t!

Our “Mr. Gay RI 2004″ was presented recently with a citation from the city (not a police citation) for his work in the community, call it more of a “key to the city” kind of thing, and kind of a big deal! Well this “citation” comes in the form of a physical plaque to be displayed in his home or stored safely somewhere. By the way, we’ll never be receiving one of these. Now the details are a little fuzzy on just how it happened, but he lost the damn thing! What the fuck!

Now this is where the Unsubstantiated Rumors part comes it, as it is also the ending/kicker to this story. This plaque is said to be stored currently (and unbeknownst to it’s rightful owner) by the leader of a successful local gay pride organization. What, like hostage style? How strange!

We love you, Providence, and your crazy citizens!

“Don’t knock the event, support Pride, host your own, and visit the gallery to see ALL the pictures.”

– BigGayDork, Bitchidence.com commenter

Oh really, ALL of the pictures? Anyone ever take a look at the file name numbers on those pictures? (IMG_1079, IMG_1082, IMG_1089) — what are those missing pictures of, and where do they go? We smell censorship at best, and a full-out agenda at worst.

We’ll admit, many missing pictures are probably doubles, pictures of walls, or whatever — and then we’ll bet there’s pictures with Rodney’s (of RI Pride) hands down strippers’ pants (now they have to wear them by law at 727) that don’t get posted!

Remember everyone, especially this weekend when the city’s focus turns to us

– Pride is NOT a thing, it is a way.

“Because it’s okay for a man to love a woman. But not have sex with her, that’s just gross.”

– Richie D, after Lupo’s liquor taste-test when asked why he was allowing Percy Sledge’s When A Man Loves A Woman to play on a car radio

“If I don’t get 3,000 heads total over the next three events, I swear I’m leaving Providence forever.”

– Chris Harris on Amanda Lepore at Lupo’s, Military Ball at Therapy & Deborah Cox at Lupo’s

Ha!

“Oh, don’t you threaten me!”

– Mirabar’s DJ Kenny,
to a girl trying to use her press status to pressure him into playing Kanye West

“the times of dance and excitment [sic] finally come to providence DANCE…EXCITMENT [sic] somthing [sic] providence has missed scince [sic] the 90′s”

– Tony “Tony Richards” McGill, Club Promoter & Spell-check Extraordinaire

Tony’s right, where the hell’s the damn excitment?!?!

“Bitch, I will choke you like Sabrina Blaze!”

– Us, to Kitty Litter during a fun night at Dark Lady