Work!

You know, we hate (and yet, love) to say this, but the bullshit in Providence just never ends. In fact, during the summer time it seems to just heat up and curdle once the college kids head home, leaving a condensed version of the community to drink and stew together. Not always a bad thing, although it can kill block parties and charity events.

Anyhow, after a rather interesting Trannymania last Wednesday night at the Dark Lady, we headed back to GLO for one last drink and to catch a ride home with one of our DJs, Tommy Stylez. Meanwhile back in the Dark Lady parking lot, Ms Sarah Beyers and girlfriend were walking out of the bar after one of the most successful Trannymania‘s ever (likely due to the absence of one Suzie Parks). Also in the parking lot, having walked from Mirabar were another group of gays (whom also are known to us) on their way home. After what some call a “misunderstanding” and others say was basically the guys yelling that Sarah was hot and that her girlfriend was not, a fist fight broke out between both parties in the boys’ car! Be forewarned, gays, Ms Beyers is a bad bitch!

So in effort to get away, the boys take off in the car which had accidentally snagged Sarah’s jacket and hair, creating the possibility for an already dangerous situation to escalate. Luckily the jacket came loose, but the hair flew off!

Why it happens, we’ll never know, but here’s where we come into the picture.

While getting a ride home from our DJ (because we’re neighbors), we had to stop at his house quickly so that he could allow a friend of his to retrieve his car. The friend meets us just as we arrive, holding a bleach blond wig! (with dark roots) Obviously after such an incident, everyone in the car is excited and going on about getting into a fight with some tranny in the Dark Lady parking lot and how they stole her wig. Now at this point we had no idea what had just happened, but offered to take the wig and return it, because the likelihood of us being friends with its owner was high.

Not about to waste any time, and finding this all very funny already, we take the wig home, take a picture of it with our webcam (that we didn’t even know we had), and post the image on Facebook with the caption, “who’s WIG is this?!”. Within minutes, the stories came pouring out and we were able to make sure Sarah’s shit got returned!

Facebook, reuniting trannies and their hair.

So it’s been a couple weeks since our last post, which is almost unheard of, but we figured it was time to let you bitches know that we aren’t floating in a scum-topped pond in Scituate or something equally as wretched by the hands of the Axis of Evil. If that little reference needs any explanation then just look at our last three weeks.

It’s just been hot! Who wants to sit in front of a computer screen and write this crap when there’s sun to soak up and mojitos to down? Moreover, who wants to read this crap when there’s sun to soak up and mojitos to down?!

Not us! But we still find ourselves downtown several nights a week, and therefor still see the bullshit that takes place on a nightly basis. Take for example, Dark Lady’s presentation of the “Queen of Adult Southern Comedy”, Savannah Georgia. Apparently she’s touring, and the show is meant to be “uncensored”, as though there’s someone out there censoring foul-mouthed drag shows… well, maybe in the South. Anyway, very little of it was original content, comprised mostly of cultural parodies of songs by the likes of Lady Gaga and Madonna. The trouble is at the Dark Lady, we’ve heard most of what she “performed”, completely neutralizing any shock or surprise impact that the parody may have ever had to begin with. And on that subject, if you are a local drag queen performer (or not local, this is pretty universal) do not perform parodied popular songs for laughs unless you can guarantee-positively-100% that nobody has ever heard it before! Don’t you realize that Faviana lip syncs all of the words back to you when you’re up there dying on stage because nobody’s laughing?! But we digress…

So this bitch, Savannah Georgia is up there performing just about every cultural parody that she can get Limewire to download (including a particularly painful and bizarre 20th Century TV theme song parody medley, no joke), and while she don’t really know the words exactly (isn’t she “touring” with this material?), the real horror is when she speaks between the songs — it wasn’t her deep, powerful voice (a probably very capable voice if she used it in a performance), it was her treatment of the crowd! You know when The Litter singles you out and while you feel kind of belittled and a little pissed off after, you can basically drink it off pretty quickly. Well when Mzz Georgia sets her sights on you, it’s like being eyed by some rapey clown, and you’re repulsed in the place deep down that made you cry when you sat on Santa’s lap in the mall. Maybe that’s harsh… No, no that’s about right.

The only way to remedy this, of course, was for Ada Adore and our girl Whitney to go to Therapy later that night. Now it took a little effort to get in, on account of being Cape Verdean night (which has never stopped us before, we like it!) because just about every door-person and security man on the way in felt compelled to remind us that it was Cape Verdean night, and that there was no “techno” to be played. We decided with Ada that it was because we were white (and because Ada was sort of white). So we take refuge in the old DJ booth tower for a while to chill with Tony T, the lighting guy (who, incidentally, setup all of the lighting for us at Colosseum last year), and around 4am a fashion show breaks out. Now we’ve been to a lot of fashion shows, but we’ve never seen one start at 4am, it was like Prince’s fashion show or something. So we leave the tower to go get a closer look, and these curvy (really curvy) black and latin chicks are modeling the most ghetto-ass, blinged-out swimwear you can imagine. Obviously it wasn’t meant to be gotten wet, more to be used in a bikini contest somewhere, or removed by R. Kelly in a music video. We all voiced approval.

Left: Seante Sasha on Saturday night
Right: Britney Spears at the 2007 VMAs

Don’t hold back girl, those fireworks is legal now!

So in case you’re unaware on account of being uninterested, or just plain uncool, we’re currently in the middle of Providence’s Style Week!

What the hell is that, you ask?

Well it’s basically Providence’s answer to Boston or New York Fashion Week, or any other “fashion week” that takes place around the world — although we have a feeling that Providence’s is called “style week” on account of some legality. But whatever, it’s a great chance for some super-bitchy fashion people to gather together in a series of events, and for us to bask in it! The bitchiness, we mean.

So far it’s been a blast though. We got in touch with Style Week’s founder, Rosanna, because Sunday’s after-party was at State and ran right into our Sunday weekly party at State. Since then, Rosanna’s been super and given us everything needed for a fabulous time — including seats at all of the invite-only shows. We showed up a little early to our night at State on Sunday, only to find the place swarming with lots of pretty and well-dressed people, none of which we knew and all of which knew one another. But they all warm up the more we see them!

Monday afternoon we took our girl Ada and ex-Trixx dancer Devon to the Lucille and Mendoza shows at the Renaissance Hotel, got there early for cocktail hour and made it a priority to make ourselves more comfortable with liquor. Then once in the shows, we were able to join Ada in critiquing the the designers’ collections — which we were surprisingly good at (we should be, we do have a fine arts degree for fuck’s sake). We’re going to spare you our thoughts, but Ada did decide that we’re going to collaborate on creating a fashion collection for next year. We’re going to assume that Ada would be doing most of the work, while we’d just concentrate on cutting holes in convenient places to maximize sluttiness…

Tuesday we showed up back at the Renaissance Hotel, which by the way does not have the best event space setup, for the Yellow Clover and MadMOIselle shows. Yellow Clover by Sarah Proust was fantastic and MadMOIselle just wasn’t finished and had seams and strings everywhere. We do not have expertise in fashion design, but even we could see it — not good! So now we’re watching closely for split seams and whatnot, and who do we spot across the runway? Parrys Hampton herself… and her little dog too! Who knew she was into fashion???

Kidding! We actually had a lot of fun with her and her dog between the shows over a glass of wine (three actually).
Up later this week we have another show with Ada at Hotel Providence and then the Jonathan Peters show on Saturday!

Meanwhile today, RI Pride is attempting their own version of a fashion show (an underwear fashion show, because us gays are equipped to appreciate little else) poolside at the Regency hosted by Jackie DiMera and Haley Star. Poolside in the rain! We’re also certain that they’re making damn sure to parade poor Mr. Gay RI, Ben Huber in his underwear by the pool for all he’s worth… that’s what they get for biting off of Style Week with some tasteless drag-driven strip show!

You betta work!

Well look who went to the Patriot Cinema and went all Carrie Bradshaw on us!

One of Providence’s most barred trannies, Parrys Hampton has taken to the presses — this time in a column featured in this month’s Options magazine, found HERE. You’d better be careful though, bitch uses some big-ass words (if she did even write it) — “conurbation”, “metamorphosed”, “mediocre”, spell-check be praised!

Aside from that though, you really have to read the article — it’s Miss Hampton’s sensationalizing scare-tactics at their best, this time turning them on, well frankly, us! (which is really the only reason we care, obvi) In short, the article bemoans online blogging and social discourse, going so far as to call out specific stories we’ve written, and use as a fictional whipping boy “bitching-about-something.com” to illustrate a point. The only thing that really bothers us about this is not getting a real plug!

We can’t bitch too hard though, Miss Hampton has blessed up with a lot of crazy to talk about in the past — when she mentions in her article a story we wrote about so-and-so getting banned from a club, clearly it was about her! No matter though, now that Parrys has exhausted the full range of subjects that she’s qualified to go on about, Options magazine will surely find room for more Stonewall poetry next month.

So last Wednesday at Trannymania, we were treated with the funniest performance we’ve seen in a while. And why was it funny? Because it combines wholesome Disney values with drug abuse, and we all know there’s little people like us find funnier!

Anyhow, Gia Devaroux comes out all frumpy and shit dressed like Mary Poppins, singing the song where she tries to get the kids to clean up their crap — except Gia, with a bag of flour (presumably) turns that spoonful of sugar into a handful of cocaine… and suddenly the increased tempo and Julie Andrews bizarre scat refrain starts to make some serious sense!

Anyhow, here it is, thanks to Miss Jackie Grenga:

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Just click the link, embedding doesn’t always work. Hoe.

Ever go to Trannymania on Wednesday nights and see our crazy-eyed cross-dresser swayin’ back and forth on the stage? Well we’ve spent some time imitating it, even going so far as to suggest that she teach a dance class so as to share this overtly sleazy dance with the world — but still we’ve always wondered where we’ve seen it before!

And here it is, right there in the hooker scene of Full Metal Jacket, appropriately enough. In addition to the dance, which is dead on, there really isn’t much about this scene that doesn’t remind us of Suzie… or Trannymania… or Divine even!

FF to the :46 sec mark for the proof! We can’t stop watching it!

Left: Maureen DeLoreto, 2010 Miss Lesbian RI contestant
Right: Mrs. Doubtfire

Okay, so outside of this “Sable” drama, which we still find extremely weird, desperate and just hopelessly funny — we managed to find something else to talk about with Miss Sarah Beyers last night down at her new Tuesday night at Union, called Fusion.

The topic of conversation was the Triple Crown Pageant that took place last month, and how Sarah was unable to win the Miss Lesbian title for the second time in a row (something we’ve talked to death already). More specifically though, if she was never meant by RI Pride to win the title in the first place, as was our speculation, exactly what title she is qualified to win. Certainly she’s a person, and a homosexual — so just those things alone have got to qualify her to run for a title created by a gay community advocate such as RI Pride.

So should RI Pride create a new title for the transgendered? We can’t imagine a “Quadruple Crown Pageant” — it’s awkward to say (drunk), and we can all agree that the freaking ceremony is quite long enough. Or is it more “appropriate” for Sarah to run for one of the other titles, Miss Gay RI perhaps? Miss Gay RI 2009 Divine was a drag queen when she won, then later came out as a tranny several months later and nobody seemed to care. So should we be adding a new tranny title into the mix, or push Sarah into one of the boxes (hehe) that we already have set up?

Would it be more progressive for us to add a Miss Tranny title, or less?

These certainly aren’t easy questions, but the gay community in Rhode Island seems to be maturing to such a point that they must be answered by someone sooner or later, and preferably not by anyone at RI Pride.

What do you think?